Dayal’s laws of unequal spouses

The following speech was delivered at yet another high flying Toastmaster’s contest. While this speech made a lot more progress than the Financial Laws speech, it could not go beyond the reagionals due to the fact that all officials judging the speech got involved in bitter divorce battles after hearing the speech! So a word of warning, follow this theorey at your own risk! 

Mr. Contest master, ladies and gentlemen. Today I will present to you a scientific theory and if you follow the mathematics and its implications, it will drastically change your lives forever!

It was the summer of ’79, three of us college buddies from North India were sitting at the southern most restaurant at the southernmost tip of India- a place called Kanyakumri. The restaurant was quite empty, save for a honeymooning couple sitting in one corner.

In the other corner sat a gentleman, obviously of American origin. The American gentleman was busy admiring the vegetable cutlet he had ordered. “Holy, smokes, it’s so cheap”, he kept repeating to everyone who would care to listen. “It’s only 5 cents!”

Therefore we turned our attention to the honeymooning couple who too were visitors from the north. He looked like a mutt and could barely speak, she was smart and articulate.

While we were eating our vegetable cutlets, and going “holy smokes,  so expensive -  a Rupee for a cutlet!”, a sudden glazed look came over my friend Senie’s face.  His eyes were bulging out, something like a deer that is caught in the middle of a car’s headlights. “Weedy, bop”, he said – because that’s what he calls me. “Weedy Bop, why is it that all these dumb looking guys get all the smart chicks?”

It is quite clear to me now, that the universe was not in its state of equilibrium that day! The effect of the previous day’s lunch with a most charming young lady who I was to marry many-many years later, the American gentleman going “holy smokes”, the presence of the extremely smart lady with the extremely dud husband, triggered a thought in my mind. “Eureka! I have it”.  Mother Nature had just opened the doors to one of her closely guarded secrets to me in a flash! It has taken me the remaining 29 years of backbreaking mathematics, twiddling thumbs and hours and hours of naptimes to work out the details.

Ladies and Gentlemen: I give you Dayal’s theory of unequal spouses!

In its simplest expression, Dayal’s theory of unequal spouses says that if you take any quality like smartness then there is an average smartness that needs to be maintained. If one spouse is above average in that property, then the other must be just as much below that average so as to maintain the average.

When I explained, this theory to my sister and brother-in-law, they immediately jumped up and said “Ambika, we did not know you were that brilliant!” Yes, ladies and gentlemen, the average must be maintained otherwise it results in marital discord. Dayal’s theory explains why movie stars are constantly divorcing – the poor saps marry people on the same side of the average in smartness and looks.

I know many women blame us men that we don’t ever listen. Dayal’s theorey of unequal spouses explains that it’s not our fault. In fact, because most women are such good listeners, we men have to be equally bad listeners so as to maintain the listening average. So Gentlemen, if your wife ever says “You never listen”, remember to remind them that it’s their fault!

Dayal’s theory of unequal spouses brings great hope for the average sap, but what about the smart guy who gets married to an equally smart wife? Is his marriage doomed? Not really. Once you understand the working of this theory, gentlemen,  unbutton the top button of your pant, like Ed Bundy, stick your hand in your pant, pick up the remote in one hand and say “DUH”!

Mr. Contestmaster

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