Cheating Spouses: new rules for every situation

Of late, a spate of celebrities has been caught cheating on their spouses. Tiger Woods, Eliot Spitzer, John Edwards, Mark Sanford are names that instantly come to mind. Unfortunately, these are tough times for men who cheat on their wives; the media is always out to get them, not to mention their wives and other family members! In this celebrity slaughter, the most affected are us people of the general public – we are stuck wondering what to do next! Have no fear, in this piece I will attempt to outline different roles for different folks so that we go unruffled through the different stages of the cheating spouse saga!

Cheater stage 1: Denial 


The First Cheater stage is that of denial. This is when the low end magazines like The National Enquirer dig up the story of marital infidelity.

The news media has to just break the news as a rumor floating around. The news anchor has to turn to the denial/body language expert who has to utter the following truth – “He is simply denying the allegations, we don’t know if they are true or not. If the allegations are true then ___(name of the cheater)__ is lying”.

Advice to the Cheater: Look straight at the TV camera and say, “I did not have sexual relationship with that woman, ____(fill in the name)”. Keep denying as more and more stuff comes out. Do not move to the next stage till your phone calls are made public or you have been caught taking the Appellation trail.

Stage 2: Public Apology

Once the cheater is caught, and then comes the long drawn process of public apologies. That’s when the TV shows get into high gear – calling sex experts, apology experts, relationship experts. The only person who is ignored in this drama is the poor expert-expert who has to sit down and write this lousy blog!

Advice to the Cheater: “I am really sorry that I got caught. I am sorry that I embarrassed my lovely wife ___(fill her name)__. I am sorry to cause pain to my children. Now that you news guys have screwed their lives, please leave us alone so that we can blame you for what happened. From now on I will be more discrete and make sure there are no witnesses around. By the way, after this is over, I am heading out to Argentina for my true love!”

Once the public confession and apology has been delivered, the news media has to go crazy. All news anchors have to consult a sex expert. The sex expert needs to extol the virtues of sex and say, “guys like this can never give up a good thing”. The news reporter then turns to the apology expert. The apology expert needs to says, “Mr. ___(name of the cheater)__ did not sound a little bit remorseful”, like we need an expert to see that!

Stage 3: Rehab

Next step for the cheater is to enroll in a sex rehab facility. Many of you might not know what a sex rehab facility looks like. Let me explain – it’s like a very private resort with a lot of cold showers!

The media needs to stand outside the rehab center and take pictures of the cheater entering and leaving the facility.

Stage 4: Reentry into society 

In the meantime, the publicist can start propagating stories of how horrible the wife was and how the poor cheater was forced into being unfaithful. By the time, the wife and children are out of the picture, mistress is the new wife and the next cheater is waiting in the wings. We sit back and sigh, “oh what a great guy Mr. Cheater is”.

In summary

 Mr. Cheater is to be admired rather than laughed at! We normal people have to work hard at keeping the one spouse we managed to find. These super humans are managing more than one! While us, mere mortals put down the toilet seat for the fear of meeting an angry female, while these gods laugh at the face of danger of their wives finding out more than an upright toilet seat!

Pitied? Censured? Nay! These super beings need to be carried on our shoulders as heroes! After all they make us look good; they support the economy by sending double the number of roses and other romantic gifts; and they single handedly support the entire news media.

As a simple gesture, we should declare next month as the month of the Tiger! 

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